Do you want to be Right or Connected? Reconciliation vs. Justification

If being right is more important to you then you are not reaching the highest goal possible for connection.  Too many couples get wrapped up in trying to defend their rightness rather than defending their relationship.  Relationships are destroyed daily by one or both partners trying to win the fight for justification over reconciliation.  Justification leads to one partner pronouncing the other “wrong” and the other claiming they are “right” which results in one feeling condemned and disconnected and the other feeling justified and still disconnected.

When I ask couples the goal of their marriage, I get a lot of different answers:

• “To be one another’s soul mate”

• “To love each other”

• “To be partners”

• “To raise successful children”

But when they are in my office for counseling, they are failing to succeed in these areas.  As we begin to discover why they are failing at being soul mates, loving each other, being partners or raising successful kids, it is revealed they have become disconnected in some way.  So I help couples focus on achieving a new goal, remaining connected, which will help them with their original goal.  Remaining connected is not like a ball and a chain on the ankle of one in a jail cell but more like a smartphone and WIFI in the hands of one on vacation in a foreign country.  The first can’t wait until their sentence is over while the other is constantly enjoying the pleasure of posting Snapchats and Instagram pics and hoping the vacation will last longer.

Couples who remain connected are able to accomplish more together than they can imagine

accomplishing apart.  But somehow over the years, the focus moves from the deeper joy of being connected to the temporal satisfaction of being right.

How to realize which is really most important to you.

The best way to recognize you need to be right is when you find yourself making others wrong and consistently talking about what someone else is doing wrong, even if it may be true. If this is the case, then you are more focused on being justified but if you are able to hear how others are feeling and identify with those feelings, it is likely that you want more to be connected and move toward reconciliation than you want to be right.

Reasons for why Justification is so important to you.

Everyone has their faults but not everyone responds the same way to having faults.  Some view their faults as recognition of the areas where they can improve and get better while others may see their faults as recognition of how bad they are.  For them, any focus on their faults or inadequacies makes them feel shame and the best way they defend themselves against this feeling is to point out the faults of others in order to feel justified. 

Another reason a person may use justification is due to a history of not being heard.  They may have tried repeatedly to get their issues and feelings heard but if they have not been addressed, it may seem like the only alternative is to try harder to be heard by over communicating which puts them in the position of not being able to hear their partner.

When couples come into my office and complain about not being heard and feeling disconnected from their spouse, I recognize that it is difficult to make a connection when they feel they are not being heard and are being asked to listen and empathize.  

How Reconciliation works:

Reset and take the leap TOGETHER.

In my opinion, putting the pressure on one person, especially after what might seem like a long time of being unheard is a recipe for disaster.  One partner will continue feeling as though they are the one not being heard and what tends to happen if the other partner is heard, they either take the justification angle and say, “See, I was right!  I told you so!” and then wait around for something magical to happen in their partner instead of seeking to hear their partner and understand how they are feeling.

Without a reset and commitment to start again TOGETHER, the cycle is likely to continue.  In my work with couples, I spend time upfront getting each partner to affirm their commitment to being connected and identifying what that looks and feels like so they can overcome the pattern and fear that they will be the only one to jump into the cold deep water.  I make sure they are prepared to hold hands after they count, "1, 2, 3…." and both jump into the deep together so they can move toward reconciliation and connection.

Contact me today if you need help connecting in your marriage.